You gotta be able to laugh at yurself as well as with others
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.The wife's been hinting she want's something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots.Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.Anyone got an owner’s manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.
Subject: Cynical PhilosopherI read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue
stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little
extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked
at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will
cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the
street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like
someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few
weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very
edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling
my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last
Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try
missing a couple of payments.
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm
pretty sure she's going to get me something.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from
your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like
a mental patient.
Money can't buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because
nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara
and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person
was Otis, and he stayed drunk.Ha, Ha.......