I hope my southern friends will forgive me from sending forward confidential information to non southerns…...“What Are Grits?”Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgetsby shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people thinkgrits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are lies spread byCommunists and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made fromcorn. Research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down uponthe Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter,salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would notpunish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these keyingredients.*How Grits are Formed: *Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takesover 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines arein Georgia , and are guarded day and night by armed guards and attack dogs.Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners losetheir lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning aftermorning for breakfast--not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out ofthe question.Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream ofWheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat areElmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also beenshown to cause nausea, and can leave you unable to have children.*Historical Grits:*As mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by theAncient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, Grits were not heardfrom for another 1000 years. Grits were used during this time only duringsecret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public. The nextmention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeiiin a woman's personal diary discovered in the seat of an old sedan. Thewoman's name was Herculania Jemimana, who was known as Aunt Jemima to herfriends.*The Ten Commandments of Grits:*I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy GritsII.Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knifeIII.Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this isblasphemyIV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's GritsV.Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thyGritsVI. Thou shalt not eat Instant GritsVII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy GritsVIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made fromscratch .X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.*How to Cook Grits:*For one serving of Grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a littlebutter. Add 5 Tbsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits tosoak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone,they are done. That's all there is to cooking grits.How to make red eye gravy: Fry salt cured country ham in cast-iron pan.Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for severalminutes. Great on grits and biscuits.*How to Eat Grits:*Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generousportion of butter or red eye gravy. Do NOT use low-fat butter.The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. Holda banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match,you have the correct amount of butter. In lieu of butter, pour a generoushelping of red eye gravy on yourgrits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with yourbiscuits. Use biscuits made from scratch. Never, ever substitute canned orstore-bought biscuits for the real thing because they can cause cancer,tooth decay and impotence. Next, add salt. The correct ratio of Grit toSalt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eatGrits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through thetines of the fork. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is blackcoffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk. Your grits shouldrarely be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it's Cream of Wheat.*Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:*Leftover grits are extremely rare and may only be a rumor. Spread them inthe bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigeratorovernight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning,slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butteruntil they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup ontoGrits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable but delicious.*BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS*May the Lord bless these grits,May Yankees never get the recipe,May I eat grits each day while living,And may I die while eating grits.AMEN
You gotta be able to laugh at yurself as well as with others
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.The wife's been hinting she want's something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots.Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.Anyone got an owner’s manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.