I hope my southern friends will forgive me from sending forward confidential  information to non southerns…...

“What Are Grits?”

Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets
by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people think
grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are lies spread by
Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from
corn. Research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon
the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.
Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter,
salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not
punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key

*How Grits are Formed: *
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes
over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are
in Georgia , and are guarded day and night by armed guards and attack dogs.
Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose
their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after
morning for breakfast--not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of
the question.

Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of
Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are
Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been
shown to cause nausea, and can leave you unable to have children.

*Historical Grits:*
As mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the
Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, Grits were not heard
from for another 1000 years. Grits were used during this time only during
secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public. The next
mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii
in a woman's personal diary discovered in the seat of an old sedan. The
woman's name was Herculania Jemimana, who was known as Aunt Jemima to her

*The Ten Commandments of Grits:*
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II.Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III.Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits
V.Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from
scratch .
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.

*How to Cook Grits:*
For one serving of Grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little
butter. Add 5 Tbsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to
soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone,
they are done. That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy: Fry salt cured country ham in cast-iron pan.
Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several
minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.

*How to Eat Grits:*
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous
portion of butter or red eye gravy. Do NOT use low-fat butter.
The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. Hold
a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match,
you have the correct amount of butter. In lieu of butter, pour a generous
helping of red eye gravy on your
grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your
biscuits. Use biscuits made from scratch. Never, ever substitute canned or
store-bought biscuits for the real thing because they can cause cancer,
tooth decay and impotence. Next, add salt. The correct ratio of Grit to
Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat
Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the
tines of the fork. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black
coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk. Your grits should
rarely be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it's Cream of Wheat.

*Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:*
Leftover grits are extremely rare and may only be a rumor. Spread them in
the bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator
overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning,
slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter
until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto
Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable but delicious.


May the Lord bless these grits,
May Yankees never get the recipe,
May I eat grits each day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.